


Promises

by nefarious_irusu



Series: One-Word Prompts [5]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends, Friendship, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, One Shot, One Word Prompts, Panic, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, Short One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 07:54:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15335322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nefarious_irusu/pseuds/nefarious_irusu
Summary: He knew that if he let himself, he would end up doing something he'd promised himself to stop. But lately, the promises he made to himself alone were the hardest ones for him to keep.





	Promises

The ache in his chest was enough to make him consider stabbing a knife in the center of it just to stop that torturous tingle. He breathed in, and with each subsequent exhale, he sunk a bit deeper into himself. His skin prickled and his spine stiffened, but he forced himself to remain completely still. If he didn't move, he couldn't hurt himself. If he didn't move, he couldn't end himself. 

The walls seemed to grow closer and closer, caving in a little more each time he blinked. He begged for someone to appear, even the whisper of a shadow, but he remained alone. He breathed in a shaky breath, stifling a whine by bringing his hand to his mouth. Being alone is what got him here in the first place; he should be used to being alone.

He was in a state opposite of sleep paralysis- he was outside of his body, desperately fighting to stop it from moving on auto-pilot. He knew that if he let himself, he would end up doing something he'd promised himself to stop. But lately, the promises he made to himself alone were the hardest ones for him to keep.

He wasn't sure how long it took for the walls to get close enough that it was hard to breathe. It could have been seconds or hours, but as his chest constricted, he had to close his eyes. _Breathe; you have to breathe_. The encouragement from his own mind only helped him so much, but he managed to take another breath as he squeezed his eyes shut even tighter.

It hurt. In his chest, in his head. Tears leaked out of the corners of his eyes- hot, thin trails that coursed down his cheeks and gathered at his chin before dripping onto his lap. His nose became stuffy, only amplifying his breathing troubles. He dared to open his eyes for a moment, immediately shutting them with a strangled noise upon seeing that the walls had only grown closer.

The sounds here were unfamiliar- he didn't have the hum of his refrigerator or the purr of his cat to keep him grounded. He listened to the strange sounds and whined softly, willing away the chirp of the cicadas and the clatter of pots and pans. He choked on a pathetic sound, trying his hardest to swallow the noise down.

By the time he was found, he was too weak to hide his distress. He began to sob as soft hands landed on his bare shoulders, a quiet voice that he had grown to hate speaking to him in a soothing tone.

"I'm gonna hurt myself," he blurted out, shocked by how terrified his own voice sounded.

"No," Yuuri whispered, pulling him into a loose embrace. "I'm here; I won't let you hurt yourself, okay?"

Yuri nodded, somewhat relieved that he had someone with a clear head to keep him from destroying himself. “O-okay,” he rasped, choking on his own tears and ending with a painful cough. “I want to,” he whispered. 

“You want to hurt yourself?” Yuuri asked gently.

Yuri nodded, more tears bubbling over before he could stop them. “ _Yes_.”

“Will you tell me why?” Yuuri asked, impossibly softer.

Yuri sucked in a stuttering breath, shaking his head. “I-I don't know why.”

“It's okay,” Yuuri soothed. “I'm here, you aren't alone. Do you know how I might be able to help?”

Why he was being so nice to a rival- one that had been cruel to him since his arrival in Japan, no less- Yuri didn't know. But he found himself shaking his head and once again spilling his guts to someone he had vowed to hate.

"I don't know what to do with these thoughts and I don't know how to make them stop."

“Thoughts about hurting yourself?”

Yuri nodded. “And some that I can't even process because they happen so fast, and they're so jumbled and my chest starts to ache and… it won't stop.” He choked on a dry sob, nearly heaving. “It won’t stop.”

“Shh, I've got you,” Yuuri soothed evenly. The embrace tightened, and Yuri allowed himself to feel the eminent comfort from it. “You're safe.”

He was, for the time being. Yuuri would make sure of that. There was a gaping hole in his chest that he endlessly tried to fill with anything he thought might fit, but he still managed to remain empty inside. At that moment, though, Yuuri seemed to fill it up the slightest bit.

“How did you know?” Yuri finally asked, voice still shaking but calmed minutely.

“Know what?”

“That I… was freaking out.”

Yuuri pulled back a bit, arms still keeping Yuri in a close hold. “I could hear you crying from the hall. I thought you might need someone.”

Yuri became overwhelmed with the sudden rush of embarrassment, his ears growing hot as he bit back a strangled sound. “I'm not weak,” he argued, more to himself than Yuuri.

“I know you aren't,” Yuuri agreed. “You're strong. So strong.”

Yuri stayed silent, letting his head rest against Yuuri’s chest. He counted his heartbeats, letting the sound of it drown out all the strange noises that had threatened to overtake him. He sighed softly, weakening to a limp mess in his rival's arms.

"Thank you for trusting me with this, Yuri,” he finally whispered.

Yuri swallowed twice before speaking, to be sure that his voice wouldn't shake. “We never talk about this again.”

“Okay,” Yuuri complied. “But I'll sleep in here tonight, so you aren't alone, alright?”

Yuri's heart swelled, grateful that Yuuri seemed to understand that it was dangerous for him to be alone right now without Yuri having to say it. “Yeah, alright.”

He didn't protest when Yuri helped him back into bed, or even when he joined him under the blankets. They laid side by side in silence, a small pocket of warmth between them where their body heat mixed and and proved to be a comfort to them both.

“I'm glad you didn't hurt yourself,” Yuuri whispered as Yuri began to drift off.

Reaching for Yuuri's hand between them, Yuri whispered back, “so am I.”


End file.
